寻找属于自己的宁静

寻找属于自己的宁静

以前，在别人眼里，我性格外向，喜欢社交活动，走到哪里都是焦点，而现在我的美好周末就是一个人宅在家里，睡足九个小时，吃顿丰盛的早餐，做做运动，看看喜欢的电视节目，没事遛遛狗，散散步。对现在的我来说，离开熙熙攘攘的人群只是为了做更真的自己，为了获得那份完全属于自己的宁静。

I’m an introvert—someone who prefers solitary[2] to social activities. Don’t misunderstand this as me being an awkward computer-nerd you see portrayed on televisions who can’t hold a decent conversation; instead, think of it as someone who simply needs to re-energize after spending the day in a crowd: like a battery with a low lifetime of sorts.[3]

1. extrovert: 性格外向者；introvert: 性格内向者。
2. solitary: 单独，独处。
3. 别误会，不要把我想象成你在电视上看到的那种笨拙的电脑呆子，连正常的对话都应付不来；相反，你可以想象我只是个待机时间短的电池，在人群中熙熙攘攘一天之后，需要恢复能量。awkward: 尴尬的，笨拙的；nerd: 书呆子；portray: 扮演，描绘；decent: 体面的，合适的。

My ideal day during the weekend would begin by getting nine hours of sleep and then lifting some weights in the morning after my breakfast has properly settled.[4] After a stress-relieving workout, I would get my post-workout meal in whilst watching a few episodes of Parks & Recreationto get some good laughs in.[5] Next would be to dance, nap, listen to music, stretch/yoga, walk my dog, or some activity to pass time that I enjoy doing at the time. After spending the majority of the day alone doing these activities I would then sit down in my room and play video games like League of Legends, or binge-watch on some anime that I’m currently obsessed with until I feel like it’s time to go to bed.”[6]

4. lift weights: 举重；settle: 解决。
5. stress-relieving: 减压的；whilst: 在……时；episode: （电视剧的）一集；Parks & Recreation:《公园与游憩》，美国一档情景喜剧；get in: 收获，获得。
6. League of Legends: 英雄联盟，一款游戏；binge-watch: 电视成瘾，此处指长时间观看；anime: 动漫。

Now if you asked me in person I would simply reply with, “Ummm… Workout, eat, watch TV, dance, and play video games.” My “energy gauge” charges up when I do hobbies by myself.[7] And in contrast, the needle goes towards “E” when I’m out and interacting with other people.[8] Coming up with awkward small talk, and interacting with most people is more of a nuisance[9] than fun.

7. energy gauge: 能量表，能量计；charge up: 充电，恢复能量。
8. 相反，我外出与他人社交时，仪表盘的指针就会向“E”转动。这里意在说明，社交互动耗费自己的能量。interact with: 与……互动。
9. nuisance: 令人讨厌的东西，麻烦事。

Now I wasn’t always an introvert. It used to be that making a person happy meant I had a great day. During high school I put myself into situations where I would have to interact with people for most of the day. I played team basketball and tennis; held positions in Associated Student Body and Key Club; stayed after school just to dick around with friends; and played CoD/Halo with friends.[10] All this was to limit the time I spent alone. I hated being alone, and it was probably because I was an only-child and never really had anyone to bond with when I got home. My personality at this time could be described as bubbly[11], overly-excited, weird, friendly, and easily outgoing. I loved being interacting with friends; it made me happy; it gave me energy. I’d even consider myself as an overall “people person[12]”.

10. hold position: 任职，担任；dick around: 瞎混，四处闲逛；CoD: Call of Duty: 使命召唤，一款游戏；Halo: 光晕，一款游戏。
11. bubbly: 活泼的，开朗的。
12. people person: 有人缘的人，受欢迎的人。

I ended high school on the highest note possible and hands down this was one of the proudest moments in my life for reasons that aren’t relevant.[13] Everything seemed like things were coming together and my hard work was finally paying off. I came to CMU with a good head on my shoulders and with brown, eager-fiery eyes that signified that I was ready to tackle anything that came my way.[14] Nothing would stop me from my future goals. And as freshman[15] year progressed I continued to balance the social and academic life pretty well.

13. end… on a high note: 圆满结束；hands down: 无疑地。
14. 来到卡内基梅隆大学时，我头脑聪明，满眼期待，我感觉我已经准备好应对即将面临的各种问题。eager-fiery: 热切而渴望的；tackle: 解决，处理。
15. freshman: 大一新生。

But by the end of freshman year I was unsatisfied with how I performed, they didn’t meet my own expectations[16]. Before, I met nearly every single goal I set forth[17] that I worked hard for and put my blood, sweat and tears in. But this time I didn’t. I’m sure most, at least my fellow CMU students, can relate seeing and reacting to any grade lower than a B for the first time during their post-secondary education[18]. It definitely wasn’t the greatest feeling in the world.

16. meet one’s expectation: 达到预期。
17. set forth: 提出，设定。
18. post-secondary education: 高等教育，中学后教育。

So next year came and I worked even harder than before; consequently, the social aspect of my life started to become more of a pain to me. What really matters here is that I was cutting a substantial[19] part of my social life in order to do better in school. For the first time, being social was becoming a nag[20]. “Any type of socializing is a hindrance to my academic goals”, at least that’s what I had my brain playing on repeat when deciding to either spend Friday night studying or to go out and socialize.[21] I personally couldn’t find the formula to get perfect grades, a satisfying amount of sleep, and also live a social life that I used to know of.[22] It just wasn’t possible. If I wanted to do more of one thing, and sadly something had to be compromised[23] and so I chose to sacrifice the majority of social activities that I used to love doing.

19. substantial: 大量的，很多的。
20. nag: 困扰，烦扰。
21. hindrance: 妨碍，阻碍；play on repeat: （脑中）不停地想。
22. 就我而言，我找不到方法既能得到优秀的成绩、充足的睡眠，又得以继续我所熟悉的社交生活。formula: 方法。
23. compromised: 妥协的，让步的。

I returned home for the summer after sophomore[24] year which meant seeing my childhood friends. As soon as I got back I got invited to a small college party at the University of Washington, full of people I already knew during middle school as well as high school. But something was odd; something felt weird.[25] It’d been nearly a whole semester of not enjoying other people’s company and I was feeling this sort of anxiety of not excitement, but of discomfort or fear.

24. sophomore: 大学二年级学生。
25. odd: 古怪的，异常的；weird: 奇怪的，古怪的。

Now as we speak, I’m typing this up alone in my room with my dog right by my side and I’m totally okay with that. After certain events, I’ve come to not like strangers or engaging in small talk. If I had to choose, I’d choose to do things alone or with those rare friends where everything is just natural around them. If you think introverts don’t socialize at all, then you’re wrong. I simply don’t want be alone 100% of the time. Even people like us introverts need to be shown love and support.

Even after being in school for so long, why can’t I just turn on my extrovert switch back on[26]? I thought about this for a while and I still don’t really have an answer. But it’s not like being introverted makes me worse off[27] than being extroverted. So yeah, I’m happy to be introverted.

26. turn on switch back on: 重新打开（开关），再次开始。
27. worse off: 恶化，每况愈下。

Being an extrovert has its pros and cons[28], as does being an introvert. I always hear negative things about introverts, and I don’t think these stigmas[29] apply to every single introvert out there. Silence is truly golden. So if you see one of us introverts just sitting there in silence don’t just go and panic and assume there’s something wrong.

I love silence. I need silence. If writing didn’t become such a chore[30] for the first 19 years of my life, I’m sure I would have enjoyed writing more than talking. I enjoy having a few close friends and spending quality time[31] with them. And by no means would I describe myself as shy.

28. pros and cons: 利弊，正反两面。
29. stigma: 污点，恶名。
30. chore: 困难的事，令人厌烦的事。
31. quality time: 高品质时间，有意义的时间